What's more worthy of tears than a dog?

I am in from a walk

with cold ears and a feeling of

stuckness in my sinuses.

It is an emotional stuckness, I am sure.

From tears cried, or tears needing to be cried.

I cannot tell.

I cannot tell.

That's coming up a lot these days.

I cannot tell how to feel

or how to be

or which things to do or not do.

But I feel, and am, and do anyways.

So "cannot" is, as usual, an illusion.

There is a stuffed toy ghost next to me

I made it for Smallie, the dog

we were - I thought - about to become

stewards for

or suckers for.

Either way.

Later, I will put the ghost in the closet.

And I may even cry more about the dog

To cry about the dog I didn't get

For who-knows-what-reason

Felt earlier like something a 7-year-old would do

And I am not 7, so

I felt foolish, a little

Self-conscious.

But then, 7-year-olds are more honest with

their emotions.

And what

is more worthy of tears

than a dog?

Many things are worthy of tears.

When there are enough things - 

when the heart does crack open -

there is a lot to cry about.

It comes down to finding the 

connection point - the entryway

to the tears.

The baby downstairs

He cries all the time.

Like a new one would - like they do.

He knows so much about what

he's been born into

His DNA shifting, making daily calculations

Depending on his mother's responses

to stress

I did want that dog

to help me

with my feelings.

My rhythm.

My connection to joy.

It is okay to grieve.