A step by-step approach to healing shame
***
If shame is the shadow, creativity is the light. Shame takes a lot of (often unconscious) energy to maintain. When we air and heal our shame, that unstuck energy becomes available for creative self-expression, and can take infinite forms. This energy is universal force of creativity moving through the utterly unique vessel that is you. How will you choose to channel it?
Here’s a breakdown of the steps above.
1. CATCH the SHOULD
Shoulding is often unconscious.That is, it’s unconscious until it’s not.Want to decrease your internal conflict levels? Commit to noticing when you’re shoulding yourself.
2. SHOULD = SHAME + COULD
Shame is a powerful inhibitor that thrives on silence & suppression, and loses power when we notice & speak to it.
Observe whether shame is present. Shame tends to feel sticky & yucky. It often presents as constriction in the belly, solar plexus, chest, and/or throat.
AIR THAT SH*T OUT. Speak to yourself about it, write about it and burn the paper, tell a friend or therapist...give it a life outside your head & body, and see it lose its power.
3. ASSESS YOUR CONDITIONED BELIEFS
If shame is/might be present, what belief about yourself underlies it? Shame is often woven into beliefs around concepts like personal worthiness & value, productivity, purity/contamination, & feelings of not belonging.
4. WHAT DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE?
Are you actively invested in this belief? Could it have been imprinted on you by others/supremacy culture without your consent? What do you actually believe, or want to believe, about yourself?
Another way of approaching this one is, "Would I want my best friend to feel this way about themself?" And if not, why not?
One thing I often find to be true for myself and my coaching clients: we're often much harder on ourselves than others. If I'm experiencing shame and I flip the situation, imagining a dear friend in my position, I would not wish shame upon them. Rather, I'd be likely to think "Wow that sounds exhausting, and I hope you can put that backpack of shame rocks down soon and see how awesome you are!"
This is tender work.
Identifying, naming, speaking to, and sharing about shame is incredibly tender work. It is at once imperative to attend to, and not to be rushed. Doing the “work” of healing shame often doesn’t “look” like work at all.
So much of our shame comes from a culture that does not consider rest to be a valid activity. And yet all around us, Life moves with a rhythm that inevitably includes rest.
For some creatures, rest happens in the wintertime. For others, like certain snails, rest can occur unbroken for years at a time (I recommend the book The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating by Elisabeth Tova Bailey).
Healing is non-linear, and it takes the time it takes. Please be gentle with yourself! And have fun. Remember to have fun. Fun, joy, & pleasure have a grand capacity to dissolve shame.
This work also pairs well with support. I’m here if you’d like mine.
***The members of Shining in Association and I co-developed this graphic to aid in navigating shame during a live call. The intentional collective is brilliant.
