we have to baptize ourselves

Nobody can do it for us, and we don’t just have to do it once. We have to do it over, and over, and over again. If we want to feel confident in what we’re doing, without the dragging weight of concern over our limitations or others’ opinions, we have to baptize ourselves. Of course, we don’t have to do anything; this self-initiation is a choice. But since being alive entails doing something, (even the not-doing parts, like sleep and meditation, involve setting out to do something), we always have access to a current of forward movement. So if we are compelled by our very existence to do something, then perhaps we should baptize ourselves. Or at least consider the option.

What do I mean by baptizing ourselves? I mean self-initiation, with conscious thoughts and actions intended to help us move into new roles and new ways of moving through the world. What does that look like? It looks like evolving into whatever we’ve been staring over the fence at, perhaps pining, or perhaps not even daring to acknowledge how badly we want it. How many times have I thought to myself something along the lines of, I couldn’t do that or I am not _______ enough to be that? A lot of times, and in any number of circumstances. And so have most of us, I imagine. Consider, if we’ve witnessed these thoughts so often, how present they must be under the surface of our consciousness. The undercurrent of these thoughts subtly influences our day-to-day decisions and actions. Before we know it, these have on each other, rippling into life trajectories.

A little less than two years ago, I had a conversation with the eldest kundalini yoga teacher in town. He’d called me and asked if we could talk. I said sure, and we agreed to meet after one of his weekly classes at the JCC. He met me in the company of two students. They got salads from the cafe, and we sat down to talk. I discovered that this elder wanted to have a conversation about my training as a kundalini yoga teacher.

As the leader of the local kundalini teacher community, he wanted to know details about who had trained me. Most kundalini yoga teachers are trained in the comprehensive Kundalini Yoga as taught by Yogi Bhajan® lineage offered by the 3HO organization. 3HO was started by kundalini master Yogi Bhajan, who brought kundalini yoga as most are familiar with it, to the United States in 1969. As the trademark suggests, this teacher training and style of yoga are particularly by-the-book. In short, there are rules and guidelines, and they’re meant to be followed. The conversation involved getting stuck in an argument about dogma. The community elder and I had a back-and-forth about his concerns over the legitimacy of the teacher training I’d finished a few months prior. I tried, in front of the others at the table, to present my teacher in as legitimate a light as I could. (She is, by the way, legitimate in her own right as a deeply genuine deliverer of yogic wisdom, and has gone through extensive 3H0 training).

The gist of our debate was me doing my best to insist on my teacher’s and my own legitimacy, and the senior teacher continuing to bat down my attempts. We were both passionate in our perspectives. I felt destabilized. Towards the end of an hour and a half, I explained, frustrated and attempting to remain kind, that I wasn’t trying to be a renegade by having trained with my teacher. That the only reason I’d ended up at this particular training was because I’d happened upon her online classes, fallen in love with her teachings, and followed my heart every step of the way. And how could something that felt so much in alignment be a problem? Well, it was for him. A few weeks later, he informed me that I was no longer invited to be one of the rotating teachers in the Wednesday night classes. I was mad about it - incensed, if I remember correctly. But it was backhanded liberation. What a gift!

I emailed my teacher about it, and on her urging, I found other environments where I could offer kundalini yoga classes. It was a vital experience, operating outside of an environment where I felt I had to prove my validity. I do not believe there is a way to hold this feeling and one of empowerment at the same time. Catering to other people’s line of belief, when it is outside of my own, is the same as giving away my power. It is the opposite of self-initiation. Do you know how much energy gets sucked out of us when we capitulate with our need for others’ approval? So much. Do you know how much better it feels when we start removing those hooks and casting them aside? I hope so. 

Other people, whether it’s their overt intention or not, can be incredibly powerful in stoking our self-doubt. But if that disapproval reaches just the right consistency, we can snap free of feeling beholden. And this is a beautiful moment, because instead of paying energetic taxes to something that feels more important than us, we suddenly get to keep what we’ve earned. We have an opportunity to say This is what I am and this is what I am going to do. If we conjure enough grace, it can be done with little to no negative talk about the other party. This is the gold standard, and it is not easy to stick to. While it’s hard not to take things personally, this is an awfully important goal.

Insisting on my own legitimacy - baptizing and initiating myself as a facilitator of worthy teachings, who had been taught in worthy and deep ways by a worthy and kind teacher, required an internal shift. The elder teacher made a decision that gave me an opportunity, and friends and my teacher reminded me of what I’d known all along but lost track of while trying to appease someone else. And at some point, I must have decided to baptize myself. I don’t remember a specific moment. It was a gradual process. The more I taught, the more I felt This is absolutely right. I am where I am supposed to be. And my confidence grew. In the process of replacing self-doubt with self-confidence, we have to baptize ourselves over and over again. And when we’ve truly leveled and smoothed the ground where we’re standing, that doesn’t mean we have to be done. It means we are free to begin the process again, deepening our current role or setting our sights on a new one. Of course, we are free to rest as long as we need to before pushing forward, or to simply stay where we are. But since by nature of being alive, we’re compelled to do, I think continuing to baptize ourselves is a fine choice. 

Note: FYI, I also found this website which offers more information on baptizing yourself.